8 Key Dating Tips for After a Divorce

Jennifer Kozden* was married for eight years. After a heartbreaking divorce she thought she was ready to move on and began dating “the man of her dreams.” In the end, she broke off the serious relationship, which was in some ways more painful than the divorce.

Here are the eight take-aways Jennifer learned from her difficult experiences that she hopes will help other singles.

1. Write down exactly what you want and need in a partner.

Post-divorce, when Jennifer felt she was ready to start dating again, her sister asked her what she was looking for. Jennifer thought she had a clear idea and was able to verbalize it. But because she didn’t write it down, when she met the man she got engaged to, she never really cross referenced him to her “list”.

Looking back, Jennifer knew deep down it wasn’t a match from the beginning. He didn’t check the non-negotiables, and writing it down would have made it much clearer.

“It was so easy to rationalize and dismiss things I was seeing in him because I didn’t create an actual list to refer to,” she said. It’s much harder to stare at a list you created at a time of clarity and refute it.

The list should include your compromises (things you don’t love but can live with) and non-negotiables (deal-breakers) when it comes to dating.

The list should also include your core values that don’t change whether you are 25 or 40. When you know your core values, you’ll have an easier time recognizing them (or not) in the person you are dating.

The list also helps if you get cold feet. If you feel anxious about commitment, or want to break up over something trivial, you can look at the list and say, “Wait a minute, this person checks all my non-negotiables. I need to really consider this more carefully before letting this person go.”

If your values align you know you have met someone who will be good for you long term.

2. Lead with Your Head not Your heart

“When I started dating Alex,* so many things he did were red flags on my list. I hadn’t healed from my divorce, so I let it slide because I was dating with my heart instead of my head – which is the worst way to approach a relationship.”

Jennifer insists that people must wait until they have healed from a past breakup before dating. “Otherwise, you may have this unbearable pain or void that the new person fills, but they may not actually be good for you.”

Jennifer’s first husband was very unaffectionate. “He avoided touch, hugging and kissing, and would use it as a form of emotional control. My love language is physical touch. I was so starved for affection that when the new person I dated displayed affection and admiration, it was like an intoxicating drug. I was completely infatuated because the void was being filled so perfectly.”

Because she had not healed, her emotions stood in the way of clarity. This pattern is called “lock and key” – the very thing you were missing from the first guy is completely filled by the second guy. It’s difficult to think with your head because your brain’s pleasure sensors are overriding your clear thinking, and you may end up staying with someone who isn’t good for you because they fill a specific need that has carried over from previous unhealthy relationships.

Another important prerequisite to dating is feeling confident. Dating requires putting yourself out there and facing potential rejection. If you want to come out unbroken, your confidence must be intact at the start. “You have to be your most confident self before dating. If you want to get married then your job right now is working on yourself. Every day, I work on my emotional and spiritual well-being. You can’t avoid it.”

3. People will tell you who they are right away. Listen!

Jennifer believes that what she usually sees early on in the dating process gives her all the information she needs to make a decision about the person.

“A guy I recently went out with arrived half an hour late on our first date, without an explanation or apology. I learned everything I needed to know from that interaction. I learned how he values his time and mine, his respect or lack thereof of others… I have been in relationships where I ignored micro moments and rationalized them, but in the end they resurfaced later and my first impression was always right.”

If you see something disturbing don’t try rationalizing it or brush it off. While you don’t want to be overly critical, trust your gut and don’t ignore the micro moments.

4. Look for the warning signs.

Don’t close your eyes to real warning signs.

If the person you’re dating is love bombing you, lacks boundaries, or tries to exert constant control, you are likely seeing someone who is dysfunctional or potentially abusive.

Love bombing is one of the most difficult signs to spot because it affects and traps both confident and insecure women alike. The insecure woman thinks, Wow! He treats me so well. No one else will ever be this good to me. The confident woman thinks, Of course he’s obsessed with me! I’m so awesome!”

“Alex was immediately obsessed with me. I was a unicorn he had never met. Now I realize how could he have loved me? He didn’t even know me.” Alex was calling her all the time and never wanted to be without her. “I thought his obsession with me was so sweet but then I realized a person should be able to go more than thirty minutes without calling. Each partner must be able to stand on their own before entering into a relationship.”

5. The most important thing about marriage is mutual respect.

Jennifer believes that how you feel about yourself is how the person will treat you. Everyone must recognize their own self-worth. “If your spouse doesn’t respect you when dating, they could become abusive once married.”

An important question to ask yourself is, “Do they take away my light?” Insecure people can’t handle your light. They may demean you in an outright manner or in a more covert way.

Alex would find ways to put her down in a sneaky way. After dinner with friends he would ask her. “Were you nervous?”

“No. Why?” she would ask.

“Oh you were just talking a lot… and really fast.”

He planted self-doubt in her mind, and put her down, when she was feeling fine about herself. This is also known as gaslighting.

6. Don’t succumb to pressure from the outside world.

“When you’re single you may wonder, Will I ever get married? You may feel anxious or feel the outside pressure. I felt the pressure and turned a blind eye to things I shouldn’t have because of it. I wish I could have told my younger self, ‘Be patient, you will be fine.’

“I look back and wonder why I put so much pressure on myself. Why didn’t I believe it would all work out at the right time? Now I am mature enough to say that to myself.”

7. Get dressed up and go out.

“If you get dressed up and feel good about how you look, it will make you feel more attractive. I always force myself to go out once a week. It’s relatively easy to do and it can have a huge impact. There is so much power in that small action.”

Besides literally going out, Jennifer recommends putting yourself out there. “Go on the dating apps, meet with matchmakers and let people set you up. You don’t just meet people anymore; you have to put in the work if that’s your goal.”

While there are tons of events Jennifer doesn’t feel like attending, she believes it’s important to push yourself. “Instead of complaining, I don’t have anyone to go with, invite a friend and make it fun for yourself.”

8. Trust is not a given, it’s earned.

After her serious relationship ended, Jennifer’s father said, “I hope you learned that you can’t just give away your heart. Trust is not given, it’s earned.”

Jennifer explained that she doesn’t know any other way to love than with her entire self. That makes her incredibly vulnerable, perhaps too early.

Although Jennifer wondered if she could recover from both toxic relationships, she realized that she didn’t know her own strength.

“I wasn’t fully healed when I began to date. When you are not healed you are attracting someone else who is also not healed. But when you find the strength to heal first, you create peace. And when there is inner peace, there is room for someone else to come into your life.

“Sure, there are ups and downs of dating but I know by following the lessons I’ve learned, my future self will say, ‘Why were you so anxious? It all worked out.’”

*Pseudonyms used to protect privacy.

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