Love Is Not All You Need

Misplaced zeal, forbidden fire, and in an instant, two of Israel’s greatest sons fall dead. At the height of the inauguration of the Tabernacle (Mishkan), Nadav and Avihu’s unauthorized offering turns celebration to tragedy. How could such a disaster strike at this sacred moment? And more puzzlingly, why does Moses console Aaron by saying this tragedy somehow sanctifies God?

These questions cut to the heart of our relationship with the Divine and reveal a profound truth about love itself.

Relationship Through Withdrawal

In the beginning, before God created heaven and earth, there was only God—infinite and omnipresent. In such a reality, there was no space for anything else to exist.¹ Picture an artist trying to paint white details on a white canvas—without contrast, without separation, no distinct form can emerge. Therefore, God made room—He separated Himself from creation in a process the Kabbalists called Tzimtzum, which translates roughly as ‘Limitation of Self in order to make room for another.’

This first act of creation establishes the blueprint for all meaningful connections. Just as God had to contract His infinite presence to allow room for our world, we too must practice our own tzimtzum, constriction, in our relationships. Someone who is completely self-centered and zeroed in on his/her own objectives has no space to develop relationships with others (this explains a major reason why so many multi-millionaires and billionaires have multiple failed marriages or no marriage at all). We can only succeed in marriage or friendship when we become willing to adapt our own interests, ideas, and goals to accommodate another. And this same principle governs our most important relationship of all—our connection with God.

Building the Mishkan fulfilled precisely this purpose: creating a dwelling place for God’s presence among us. Just as God set aside a space in His infinitude for our universe to exist, He commanded us to create a space within our world for His Divine Presence. The Tabernacle, and later the Temple in Jerusalem, represents our own “tzimtzum“—our deliberate limitation of self-expression to allow the Divine to enter our reality.

EGO = Edging God Out

Throughout the Torah, we celebrate spontaneous actions: Moses smashing the tablets in righteous anger, Pinchas defending God’s honor with zealous intervention. Spontaneity expresses our individual desires and uniqueness. But the Mishkan’s service demanded something different—precision and restraint rather than personal expression. Creating sacred space for another requires us to quiet any assertion of “me,” “my,” and “I.”

To bring God in, we must take ourselves out—a principle Nadav and Avihu tragically overlooked. They prioritized their religious enthusiasm over humble obedience to God’s specific instructions.

The Zohar highlights a revealing textual detail: the Torah describes their offering as “strange fire”² rather than “strange incense.” Why?

Because fire symbolizes arrogance—the strange fire of their pride pushed aside God’s presence. God responded measure for measure: His divine fire pushed them out of His world.³ Their tragic deaths teach us the eternal lesson that loving God requires respecting relationship boundaries, even for the most spiritually elevated among us. Through teaching this painful but necessary lesson, Nadav and Avihu’s deaths sanctified God’s name.

Limitation Creates Freedom

You might be wondering, “By limiting ourselves, don’t we reduce the amount of love that we express in our relationships?”

Quite the opposite. Look around: over-farming leads to dust-bowls. Unbridled passion leads to sexual immorality. Overtraining leads to injury. Limitations don’t just prevent disaster—they create the conditions for flourishing.

The same principle answers the classic question, “Why does Judaism have so many nitpicky rules?” The many laws of Judaism channel our spiritual ambitions with laser-like precision. Unbounded, we are like a shotgun, scattered in all directions. With proper direction, we are like a sniper rifle, hitting the target from miles away. Only through respecting and embracing the boundaries that God establishes can we form a true relationship with Him. As we’ve shown, this divine template extends to all our connections—from our marriages to our friendships, from our communities to our world. The lesson of Nadav and Avihu reminds us that real love, whether for God or for others, flourishes not despite boundaries but because of them.⁴

Loving with Boundaries

This week, choose one relationship that matters deeply to you. Examine it carefully—where might you be crowding out the other person’s needs with your own desires or expectations? Then, take action: do something that speaks their language of love, not yours.

This simple practice of stepping back to let another step forward mirrors God’s cosmic tzimtzum. When applied across our relationships—with friends, family, community, and ultimately with God—they become miniature sanctuaries where both parties can fully exist, neither overwhelming the other, both enriched by the holy space between them.

Shabbat Shalom!
Avraham

Inspiration for this essay comes from the teachings of Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks and Rabbi Aharon Lopiansky

1. Furthermore, if God remained visibly ever-present, how could He create a world where we’d have free will?
2. Vayikra 10:1
3. The Midrash and commentators offer multiple explanations for why Nadav and Avihu were struck down, all stemming from the underlying issue of excessive judgment (Midas HaDin) and insufficient humility. Their greatness led them to judge others more harshly than appropriate. The Talmud and Midrashim suggest they: (1) ruled on a law in the presence of their teacher; (2) entered the Holy of Holies without permission; (3) brought an offering without divine command; (4) used “strange fire” from their own hearths rather than the altar; (5) acted independently without consulting each other; (6) entered the sanctuary after consuming wine; (7) performed the service without proper priestly garments; (8) had not married despite their age; (9) anticipated the deaths of Moses and Aaron so they could assume leadership; and (10) inappropriately gazed upon the Divine Presence (Shechina). See Vayikra Rabbah 20:8-10, Tanchuma Acharei Mos 6, and Sanhedrin 52a.
4. Many posit that love is the solution to all our problems. But is love really the solution? Love is essential, but it is only one side of the coin. Love without respect is a recipe for disaster. If I have no sense of boundaries in my relationship, what stops me from doing things my partner doesn’t approve of? And, can love really last if it isn’t bound by a healthy degree of respect? The answer is, of course, no. Every relationship in our lives is an interplay between distance and closeness. Attraction and connection builds when we separate and gain perspective and admiration for the other.True relationship is formed where love starts with “what does the other want from me?” A very popular secular relationship book called The Five Love Languages posits the idea that you can’t make your partner happy with your own love language – you must learn their language and give them the love they need through that expression. This relationship can only occur when we make our “I” a little smaller and our respect for the other greater. This is true love. This is our lesson from the story of Nadav and Avihu.

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