The Real Reason You’re Fighting: How to Stop Misunderstanding Each Other

Ever share a frustration, only to get bombarded with advice you didn’t ask for? You come home after a long day, let out a sigh, and say, “Ugh, today was rough.” Before you can finish your sentence, your partner chimes in with, “Well, have you tried time-blocking your calendar?”

Now you’re annoyed—not because their suggestion was bad but because it missed the mark. You didn’t want advice. You wanted someone to say, “That sucks. Want some tea?”

Turns out, this is super common. In Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg explains that a lot of miscommunication stems from the fact that we’re often having different kinds of conversations without realizing it.

The fights aren’t usually about a lack of love or effort. They’re about misalignment. Once you understand the type of conversation you’re in, everything changes.

If you’ve ever felt like someone just didn’t “get it,” chances are you were speaking from one place, and they were responding from another.

Learning to identify what kind of conversation you’re having—before things spiral—can shift everything. It helps in romantic relationships, with kids, at work, even with friends.

The Three Types of Conversations

1. Practical Conversations

These are focused on logistics and problem-solving. The goal is to fix the issue.

• Example: “What’s our plan for picking up the kids next week?”

2. Emotional Conversations

These are about expressing feelings like stress, overwhelm, or sadness. The goal isn’t fixing—it’s feeling seen.

• Example: “I feel totally drained and like no one notices how much I’m doing.”

3. Social Conversations

These go deeper. They’re about identity, respect and connection. They often carry unspoken questions like, “Do I matter to you?” or “Are we still a team?”

• Example: “Do you actually respect what I do?” or “Are we still in this together?”

Conflict Happens When the Types Don’t Match

You’re having an emotional conversation. Your partner hears a practical one. Boom—frustration.

• You say: “I feel like I’m doing everything alone.”
• They say: “Make a list and divide the chores. Easy.”

Their response might be logical and well-intentioned—but it’s not what you needed. You needed, “Wow, that’s a lot. I see you. Want to talk about it?”

Same goes for your teenager: They say, “No one at school notices me.” You say, “Join a club!” Again—well-meaning but misaligned. What they really needed was, “That sounds lonely. Want to talk?”

So How Do You Get Better at This?

Start by asking the magic question: “What kind of conversation is this?”

Better yet, ask them:

• “Do you want me to listen or help?”
• “Are we solving this, or are we just feeling it out?”
• “Is this about support or suggestions?”

It might feel a little weird at first, but most people will love that you asked. It shows emotional intelligence and genuine care. And it helps avoid a whole lot of unnecessary drama.

A Quick Note on Listening

At the core of Judaism’s commandment to “love your neighbor as yourself” is being able to step outside of your own head and really tune in to someone else’s experience.

The greatest gift you can offer someone is to listen—not just to their words, but to what they’re really feeling.

Don’t Open Too Many Tabs

Ever start an argument about something small—like leaving the dishes in the sink—only to end up yelling about something that happened two years ago?

That’s what Duhigg calls “tab overload.” Like too many browser tabs open at once, everything slows down and eventually crashes.

Stick to one tab at a time instead. If the issue is the dishes, stay on the dishes. Don’t bring in your in-laws, your bank account, or last year’s vacation. Emotional safety comes from knowing we can deal with one thing at a time—without being ambushed.

Try a Meta-Conversation

When things get messy, try pressing pause and zooming out.

Say something like:

• “I think we’re talking past each other. Can we try again?”
• “Are you looking for support, or do you want ideas?”
• “I might be solving, and you might be venting. Should we sync up?”

Meta-conversations help reset the tone. They’re not robotic—they’re respectful. They say: I care enough to slow down and try again.

When in Doubt? Lead with Empathy

If you’re unsure what kind of conversation you’re in, default to empathy. It’s almost always the right move.

Instead of: “Here’s what I think you should do…”

Try: “That sounds tough. Want to talk it out a bit first?”

Empathy helps people feel seen. Once they feel heard, they’re more open to problem-solving—or sometimes, they just feel better without needing a solution at all.

It’s Not About Getting It Right Every Time

You won’t be perfect. Sometimes you’ll give advice when someone just needed a hug. Other times you’ll bring up the past and derail the whole conversation.

But even just starting to ask, “What kind of conversation are we having?” can help you avoid so many unnecessary fights. You’ll stop talking past each other and start feeling more connected.

So next time things feel off in a conversation, pause and ask yourself—or them—that question. You might be surprised how much smoother things go.

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