A Healing Passover Seder for Troubled Marriages

Passover is a time of transformation. It reminds us of the journey from slavery to freedom—both for the Jewish people and for us as individuals and couples. Just as the Jewish people were freed from Egypt, so too can we find freedom from the struggles that hold us back in our relationships.

1. Kadesh – Renewing Our Commitment

The Seder begins with Kadesh, the sanctification of the night with Kiddush. The word Kadesh shares a root with Kiddushin, the Hebrew term for marriage, emphasizing that a relationship is not just a partnership—it is a sacred bond. The Talmud (Kiddushin 2b) teaches that marriage is an act of sanctification, setting the relationship apart as holy. Think about your initial commitment to each other and intentionally recommit at this moment to your bond and everything that it entails to strengthen it.

Some couples assume commitment is something static—you say “I do,” and that’s it. Real commitment is something we renew every day. The happiest couples are those who actively choose their marriage, even when it’s hard. Kadesh reminds us that love isn’t just about the past; it’s about the choices we make in the present.

2. Urchatz – Washing Away the Past

Washing our hands is an act of purification before we engage in something sacred (Exodus 30:19-21). It’s a reminder that we must cleanse ourselves before moving forward.

Take a moment to think about what past hurts you are ready to let go of for the sake of healing in your relationship. Practice active forgiveness. It’s not just about saying, I forgive you—it’s about truly letting go. When couples take a moment to wash away the past, it becomes a physical act of releasing old wounds. This can open the door for real healing to begin.

3. Karpas – Planting Seeds of Hope

The vegetable dipped in saltwater represents both hope (growth) and tears (suffering). It teaches us that growth often emerges from hardship. Reflect on how, even in times of hardship, you can nurture growth and renewal in your marriage.

Think about one small act of kindness you can commit to this week to nurture your relationship.

Small acts of kindness can change the course of a relationship. Couples in distress often feel like there’s no way out, yet every relationship has the potential to grow, even through the pain. Karpas reminds us that our struggles don’t have to define us, but can instead become fertile ground for growth.

4. Yachatz – Holding Challenge and Hope Together

Breaking the middle matzah represents the fractured nature of the Jewish people in exile, yet it also symbolizes the hope of eventual unity and redemption (Pesachim 115b).

Meditate on one thing you feel broken about in the relationship as well as one hope you have for healing. The act of breaking the matzah is a symbolic way of acknowledging that relationships go through difficult times, but those times are not the end. Instead, they offer an opportunity for growth and repair.

5. Maggid – Telling Your Story

The Torah commands us to retell the story of the Exodus each year (Exodus 13:8). Similarly, couples must share their story of their relationship with each other in order to deepen understanding and strengthen their bond. When couples sit down to really share their story—without judgment or blame—it can bring surprising clarity. Understanding how you’ve gotten to where you are, including the struggles, can be a powerful moment of rediscovery.

6. Rachtzah – Deeper Cleansing

Washing our hands a second time, with a blessing, signifies a deeper level of purification and readiness to embrace the sanctity of the meal. Commit to improving yourself and your role in the relationship. What is one act you take to better contribute to the healing of your marriage? This step is all about personal accountability. When we focus on what we can do to improve, rather than pointing fingers, it opens the door for mutual healing.

7. Motzi Matzah – The Bread of Humility

Matzah, with its simplicity and humility, teaches us that real connection comes when we let go of our egos (Zohar 2:183b). Where has pride or fear prevented you from connecting deeply with your spouse? How can you feel safe enough to put yourself aside and make space for the other? When couples embrace humility, they create space for vulnerability and intimacy.

8. Maror – Facing the Bitterness

Maror represents the bitterness of the Jewish people’s’ slavery, but it also signals their eventual redemption (Exodus 1:14). Only by facing our pain can we move forward. While it may be easier to avoid difficult conversations, it can prevent real progress.

What is one pain point you are avoiding discussing? The Maror step is a chance to face the difficult truths head-on, in a safe and productive way with the understanding that doing so brings the opportunity for healing and resolution.

9. Korech – Bringing Together the Bitter and the Sweet

Hillel’s sandwich of maror and charoset teaches us that life—and relationships—are a balance of both sweetness and bitterness (Pesachim 115a). Even though you may be more focused on what’s wrong with your relationship, take a moment and think about the sweet points, the things you appreciate about your spouse and your life and share those with each other. When you can embrace both the bitter and the sweet, you move toward a more balanced and resilient relationship.

10. Shulchan Orech – Nourishing the Relationship

In the Seder, Shulchan Orech is when we sit down to enjoy the festive meal. Eating together is a deeply spiritual act in Judaism, reinforcing connection and unity. The Talmud (Berakhot 55a) teaches that a couple’s table is like an altar—when approached with love and respect, it can bring blessing into the home.

It’s surprising how much of a marriage’s emotional climate is revealed at the dinner table. Is there laughter? Tension? Silence? How we eat together reflects how we relate to each other. Making mealtime a moment of warmth and presence can be a powerful step toward healing.

11. Tzafun – Rediscovering the Hidden Light

The Afikoman, hidden and later found, symbolizes the hidden potential in our relationship that we need to uncover and cherish (Pesachim 119b). Look for the hidden gems in your relationship—the qualities or moments that have been overshadowed by difficulty. What do you need to rediscover in yourself or your partner to heal your marriage? Rediscovering these pieces can spark a renewed connection.

12. Barech – Gratitude and Blessing

After the meal, we recite Birkat Hamazon, Grace after Meals, the blessing of gratitude for sustenance (Deuteronomy 8:10). Gratitude is a spiritual muscle—it grows stronger the more we use it. Think about as many positive qualities of your spouse as possible and share them. Commit to making gratitude a daily practice in your marriage.

Shifting from resentment to gratitude creates healing. It’s not about pretending everything is perfect—it’s about choosing to focus on what is good instead of dwelling only on what is lacking.

13. Hallel – Singing Through the Struggles

The Hallel prayers are sung in praise and joy, even in the midst of challenges (Psalms 113-118). The Jewish people have always found ways to rejoice, even in exile. Choose to celebrate the moments of joy in your relationship, even times are hard. Think about opportunities to have more fun together.

Waiting until things are “perfect” to enjoy each other is a mistake. Finding joy now—even in small ways—can be a catalyst for healing. Hallel reminds us that joy and struggle are not mutually exclusive.

14. Nirtzah – The Commitment to Keep Going

The Seder ends with the hopeful declaration: L’shana Haba’ah B’Yerushalayim—Next year in Jerusalem! It expresses faith that we are always moving toward something better. Create a vision of your future relationship. Commit to one small step that you can take today to reach that goal.

Couples often think they need a huge breakthrough to fix their marriage, but the real change happens in small, intentional steps. Nirtzah is about embracing that journey with hope.

Sometimes, it’s the smallest shifts in perspective or the act of coming together with a shared purpose that can set a couple on a path of healing. This Passover, take these steps not just as a ritual, but as an opportunity to restore and deepen your relationship.

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