“And I Will Bless Them” 

How Does One Bless? 

Who doesn’t want to be blessed? We all want to receive blessings from tzaddikim; and not only from tzaddikim – also from parents and grandparents, Torah scholars, elderly Jews, kosher and wholesome Jews who go to the graves of tzaddikim. And besides, to be blessed by any Jew. “One should never regard the blessing of an hedyot (ordinary person lightly in your eyes.”¹ 

That is why the most common request from rabbanim every day is to be blessed. But not only rabbis are requested to bless; even many simple Jews are approached by their families and the people around them asking for blessings. And every Jewish father blesses his children often. 

When you are requested to give a blessing, what blessing do you choose? Every person who is asked to bless debates what the content of the blessing should be – health, joy, perfect emuna (faith)? Abundance in both spiritual and material matters? 

Everything is important. But the moment you must give one short brachah (blessing), you want it to be an all-encompassing one, strong, real, and meaningful; one which can influence all realms in life. So, what blessing do you give? What is the most important thing for you? 

If you find it difficult to decide, the simplest thing to do is to learn from the Holy One, Blessed Be He: What blessing does he give us? For “It is good in Hashem’s eyes to bless Yisrael”², and we can be sure that Hashem blesses us with the most important thing, the strongest and most meaningful, the most all-encompassing and influential blessing. What is this thing? 

All-in-One Blessing 

This thing is shalom (peace)! “The only vessel that the Holy One, Blessed Be He, could find to contain brachah for Yisrael is peace.”³ Because peace is the blessing that all other blessings depend on. And so, the last brachah in the Amida (Shemoneh Esrei) prayer, the brachah that concludes and summarizes all our brachot, is “Sim shalom” (Establish peace). 

That is why our Sages, with their Ruach HaKodesh (holy spirit) worded this brachah of Sim Shalom thus: “and may it be good in Your eyes to bless us and all Your people Yisrael with much might and Shalom.” What is good in Hashem’s eyes? To bless the Jewish people with peace; that we should have peace. 

Therefore, the words, “Oseh shalom… He Who makes peace… will make peace upon us…” conclude every prayer and every kaddish and every blessing after meals; and in our parashah as well, we see that the last brachah in Birkat Cohanim (priestly blessing) is “May Hashem… grant you peace.” We also learn that Hashem is willing to have His name erased for the sake of peace.⁴ 

And the main peace we are talking about starts at home! If you are at peace with all your friends and neighbors and extended family, but in your own home there is no peace – then your “peace” is worthless. And certainly, you do not experience happiness or blessing if that is the case. All blessings start from peace in the home, as Chazal instructs us that a husband should always be careful to honor his wife, because blessing does not exist in the husband’s home if not for the sake of his wife. And they also warned us: “Honor your wives, so that you may become rich.”⁵ 

And what about educating the children? There is nothing more ruinous to children’s education and mental health than lack of shalom bayit; and there is nothing better and more useful that empowers children’s growth than peace between the parents. 

Where is the Prayer? 

The greatest and most important thing in the world is shalom bayit. Since the Anshei Knesset Hagedolah (People of the Great Assembly) embedded all the requests and all a person’s needs in the Shemoneh Esrei prayer, I asked myself: Why isn’t there an explicit prayer for shalom bayit in Shemoneh Esrei? 

There is nothing that requires prayer more than shalom bayit, because shalom bayit is not natural. Every husband and wife are two opposites, and every peace makes a connection between two opposites – and that goes against nature. Also, the holy Zohar says about the words, “Oseh shalom…He Who makes peace in His heights” – that just like Hashem makes peace in Heaven between the fire angels and the water angels – in other words, changing the laws of nature – so too He will make peace upon us. Because peace between husband and wife, and peace in the Jewish People constitute a change in the laws of nature. 

And only prayer can change nature, as Rabbeinu writes in several places, and therefore, there can’t be true shalom bayit without much prayer. So why don’t we have an explicit prayer for shalom bayit? 

And in our generation the need is even greater. We also see the plague of divorce, and the terrible difficulty in finding one’s match. It’s a plague, affecting even couples who have already lived together and gotten along for years. And in general, even if someone thinks he has shalom bayit and everything is going smoothly at home – even he will see that if he prays at length, his shalom bayit will improve greatly; there really is no limit to the levels that shalom bayit can reach – the happiness and love and Shechinah and blessing that can come to you and your entire family and to the entire Jewish People. So why isn’t there a prayer for it included in Shemoneh Esrei? 

It’s Right There… 

Hashem opened my eyes, so I have noticed a peculiarity in the inclusion of “upon us and upon all of Yisrael, Your nation” by the Anshei Knesset Hagedolah in the blessing of Sim shalom. These words appear only here! In the entire prayer we ask for peace for all the Jewish people, but why does it say here “upon us” and also “upon all of Yisrael”? Why the repetition? And we see it again at the end of the blessing: “And it will be good in Your eyes to bless us and to bless all of Yisrael Your nation.” What does this mean? 

So it must be that the main focus of the prayer of Sim shalom is firstly on shalom bayit. That’s the simple understanding of “upon us”, “to bless us” – me and my husband/wife, and only afterwards does one mention peace for all Jews. Common sense says that all peace starts at home, as we wrote above. And so, in the wonderful prayer of “Oseh shalom”, which is all about peace – there too we say, “upon us and upon all Yisrael”, because in every prayer for peace, we are praying first of all about shalom bayit. 

Many people have problems with shalom bayit. They would like to do something about it, but they are lazy – no time, no energy, no money for a counselor or a therapist. They don’t have the half-hour a day to do hitbodedut every day and focus on shalom bayit as they should. But what about concentrating on the prayer of Sim shalom – they don’t even have the time for that?! 

You say Sim shalom at least three times a day in any case, and additionally Oseh shalom a few more times. So instead of just mouthing the words thoughtlessly, without concentrating on them, spend a few more seconds and have in mind the kavanot (intentions) that we will bring from the siddur. Make a small investment a few times a day and have in mind your own shalom bayit and that of all Jews – from that itself you will already see an improvement – it’s wondrous! 

A Little Bit Goes a Long Way  

Of course, one should pray all prayers with intention. But if this is too difficult, at least think about what you are saying in the most critical places: In the first brachah of Shemoneh Esrei – Avot – of course, which is the main brachah according to halacha, but also in blessings and prayers that relate to the most important and most meaningful aspects of your life, aspects upon which depend all happiness and all blessing and all Shechinah and all your success and the success of your children and of all Jews! 

In the commentary that Hashem gave me the merit to write on the siddur, “Lev Shalom” [in nusach Eidut Mizrach, or Lev Shalom in nusach Sefard], I brought many commentaries on the blessing of chonen hadaat (gracious giver of wisdom) that one can focus on. Among others, one must have the intention to pray for shalom bayit as well. Because daat (understanding) is peace; Rabbeinu writes that daat combines all opposites. Rabbeinu says that only about two things: daat and shalom. And so, the blessing for daat is our first request and the blessing for shalom is our last request in Shemoneh Esrei, the end being rooted in the beginning.  

But the main brachah for shalom bayit is that of Sim shalom, as mentioned, which details all matters of peace at home. When saying this brachah, one should have the following things in mind: 

Sim shalom [Place peace between me and my wife, that we should have the perfect midda of peace, and live in peace with each other],  

tova [that we should do good to each other],  

uvracha [that we should bless each other],

chaim [that we should live with trust in each other],  

chen [ that we should find favor in each other’s eyes],  

vachesed [that we should do acts of lovingkindness to each other],

verachamim [we should act mercifully to each other],

aleinu [upon me and upon my wife/husband],

ve’al kol Yisrael ameicha [upon all Yisrael, Your nation – between husband and wife, every man and his fellow. All should live in peace and do good to others and bless and live with emuna, and do chessed and be merciful towards each other]. 

Dear Jews, without prayer, there can never be true shalom bayit, and “If there is no peace, there is nothing”⁶, and “Peace counterbalances everything”⁶. Even if everything by you is okay, say a prayer before problems arise; be wise, and make good use of these precious moments when you are praying to pray for the greatest brachah and hatzlachah (success) of your lives! 

Editor’s Notes: 

¹ Masechet Megillah 15:1 

² Bamidbar (Numbers) 24:1 

³ Mishnah, Seder Taharot, Masechet Oktzin, Chapter 3:12 

⁴ The Sotah ritual to re-establish peace between husband and wife is in Bamidbar (Numbers) 5:11-31 

⁵ Masechet Baba Metzia 59:1 

⁶ Rashi on Vayikra (Leviticus) 26:6