Emor 5785: In Appreciation of Communication

GOOD MORNING! Perhaps the most essential personal life skill is effective communication. Every interpersonal interaction is a fusion of verbal and sensory communications that convey our feelings and intentions, shaping how others perceive us. Effective communication is, in many ways, the essence of living in a world inhabited by others.

Communication is the cornerstone of all interpersonal relationships. Whether familial, professional, or romantic, every relationship relies on thoughtful and intentional communication.

Cultural and linguistic differences mean that certain concepts don’t translate well across languages. This is particularly true when it comes to idioms. A person translating the American expression “out of sight, out of mind” into Russian only manages to communicate “invisible idiot.” When Pepsi advertised in Taiwan the slogan “Come Alive with the Pepsi Generation,” it came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”

Speaking of disparate cultures, the very basic elements of communication for men and women could hardly be more dissimilar. As a rule, men talk more about things and facts, whereas the conversations of women tend to be more about people, relationships, and feelings. Women are usually quite aware of this difference; men, on the other hand, are often oblivious. And so, to help bridge the gap, I have compiled:

The Shabbat Shalom Quick Guide to Understanding Nuclear Family Communications:
1) “Fine!” – when uttered by your wife it means, “In truth I am right, but this argument is over.” By an inscrutable teenage daughter, it might mean something like, “No, I don’t want to do that, and I’ll stop complying as soon as you forget about it.” (You can never be quite sure—interpret with caution.)
2) “Go ahead” – When said by a wife it is a dare, not permission. (This will inevitably result in you asking later, “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, see next entry.)
3) “Nothing: – when said by a female it’s the first raindrop of what is about to become a raging emotional hurricane.
4) “I’m fine” – When said by your wife – she is anything but.
5) “Five minutes” – When said by a woman getting dressed, it means thirty minutes. When it’s a male estimating the end of a ballgame, it can mean an hour. If it’s his response to doing a household chore, it means, “Next Sunday—maybe.”
6) “Thanks” – When said by your child, take it at face value. Choose to believe that he/she is thanking you. Don’t question it. Don’t faint. Just say, “You’re welcome.”
7) Loud Sigh – A powerful non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means that your wife/daughter are wondering why they are standing around wasting their time trying to get you to understand them.

A few more points: Women will always have the final word in an argument, any postscript added by a man is merely the beginning of a new argument. Women know everything about their children—their teachers, closest friends, doctor appointments, carpools, and even sock preferences. Men are vaguely aware that some short people live in the house.

Male communication is often competitive, reflecting a general focus on achievement, acquisition, and self-fulfillment. Female communication, by contrast, is typically more collaborative and nurturing—rooted in a desire for connection, equality, and partnership. This is a natural outgrowth of women’s relational focus and instinct to build family and community.

Indeed, the Torah recognizes these gender differences in communication. When God instructed Moses at Sinai, He said: “…‘So shall you say to the women and also tell the men of Israel’” (Exodus 19:3), emphasizing different approaches for each. This verse appears right before Moses ascended Mount Sinai and received the Ten Commandments.

Not coincidentally, Emor is also the name of this week’s Torah portion. This week’s Torah reading begins:
“Hashem said to Moses; Say to the Cohanim, the sons of Aaron, and you shall say to them, ‘To a dead person they must not become impure’” (Leviticus 21:1).

Rashi (ad loc) goes on to quote a passage from the Talmud which states that the reason the word emor is used repeatedly (“say to the Cohanim” and then again “say to them”) isn’t mere redundancy. It’s a directive: the adults are responsible for teaching the children that they, too, may not become impure through contact with the dead.

The Torah uses various terms to describe speaking, most commonly daber and emor (usually translated as “speak” and “say” respectively). What is the practical difference between the two words and when does the Torah choose to use one over the other?

As noted, daber means “speak” – as in when your wife calls you at work and says, “You better speak to your son!” Emor on the other hand is translated as “say” and implies a gentler communication. It should come as no surprise to anyone who has ever been in a relationship with a woman: they want to be communicated with, not spoken to.

This week’s Torah portion informs us that we must be sensitive about what we are telling the Cohanim, and we must communicate it effectively. The Cohanim, as the priestly caste, have an elevated responsibility to remain sanctified, one that outstrips that of the rest of the Jewish nation; they are prohibited from coming into contact with a dead person.

In fact, to this day, men who are Cohanim are forbidden to come in contact with the dead and may only attend funerals of first-degree relatives (mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter, and wife). This prohibition is found in this week’s Torah reading.

This prohibition seems counterintuitive. Even the greatest Torah scholar is permitted to become impure, yet a Cohen cannot. Because of this, God tells Moses that he must communicate this responsibility in a manner that they can understand and relate to it. They cannot just be “informed” of this law.

This level of communication is essential in every area of life — especially parenting. In my thirty-five years of running schools, I’ve observed that parents who communicate thoughtfully and take the time to explain things to their children tend to raise children whose behavior is guided by intellect rather than emotion. These children approach challenges with careful consideration and feel empowered to respond responsibly, in a manner commensurate to the circumstances.

Taking the time to explain things shows your children that you respect them and that you want them to have “buy in.” This builds up your children’s self-esteem and teaches them that there are logical reasons for behaving in a certain way. As a result, they grow to be both confident and cooperative, having been trained to respond with thoughtful deliberation.

In contrast, parents who simply inform their children of the rules (e.g., “No, you can’t eat that!”) without making an effort to foster understanding, raise children who respond emotionally — because they haven’t been taught to think things through. These children often grow up feeling insecure and resentful, and they tend to struggle in cooperative environments.

In addition, if we want to teach our children values that extend beyond basic social justice principles (e.g., prohibitions against stealing or killing), we must patiently explain the reasons behind our practices. Simply telling them they are obligated to observe the Sabbath or keep kosher is not an effective way to inspire them to willingly embrace the responsibility of fulfilling mitzvot.

We must share the beauty and depth of mitzvot. In this way, we cultivate a genuine appreciation for what Judaism is really all about and thereby ensure that they will incorporate it into their lives; hopefully conveying the meaning and beauty of Judaism to their children as well.

Emor, Leviticus 21: 1 – 24:24

This week’s portion sets forth the standards of purity and perfection for a Cohen; specifies the physical requirements of sacrifices and what is to be done with blemished offerings; proclaims as holidays the Shabbat, Pesach, Shavuot, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and Sukkot.

It reminds the Jewish people to provide pure olive oil for the Menorah and designates the details of the Showbread (two stacks of 6 loaves each, which were placed on the table in the portable sanctuary and later in the Temple once a week upon Shabbat).

The portion ends with the interesting story of a man who blasphemed God’s name with a curse. What should be the penalty for this transgression? Curious? Leviticus 24:14.

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