Living On Airplane Mode

When I meet with people in my office, I leave my phone on my desk, behind us and out of reach. This week during a meeting, my phone rang. As I was apologizing and reaching to turn it to silent, one of the people I was meeting with shared that he left his phone at home for this meeting.  I was flabbergasted.

He wasn’t content to turn his phone to airplane mode or leave it in the car. The discipline, self-control, and courage to leave it at home impressed me. He did it so he could be fully present, invested in our conversation, and that meant something to me.

In May 2023, best-selling author Simon Sinek was giving a presentation at the Banca Mediolanum National Convention in front of an audience of thousands. In the middle, he had someone come to the stage and hand him his cell phone which he simply held in his hand. A moment later he shared:

I just want to show you something. This is the psychological power of the device. What if I was sitting here talking to you holding my phone? It’s not buzzing it’s not beeping, no one’s calling me, I’m just holding it. Do you feel like you are the most important thing to me right now?
No, you don’t. That’s the association. So when we show up for a meeting or we sit down for dinner with our families and we put the phone on the table, it sends a psychological message to everyone sitting there that you are not the most important thing to me right now.  And putting the phone upside down is not more polite.  Put into the airplane mode to take away the temptation that something’s coming in. And put it in a bag or on a shelf out of sight.
This is how we should be interacting with people, giving them our full attention, because the idea is not that we hear the words they say but that they feel heard and this is one of the tricks.
If you wake up in the morning and you check your phone before you say good morning to the person sitting next to you, you probably have a problem.  If you have to take your phone from room to room, no matter where you go, you probably have a problem.  And just like any recreational drug, the more you practice leaving it away, for example if you go out for dinner, you don’t need four telephones.  Leave one at home leave one in the car, you have one with your spouse, it’s fine.  if you have a client meeting leave it in the car, leave it in the bag, never take it out and it becomes easier and easier and you find it easier not to be sucked in by the by the fear mongering as well. So like any addiction, it just takes a little work.

It’s hard to compete with a ringing phone or a person scrolling while we’re talking to them, but it turns out that someone simply holding their phone signals to us that we are competing for attention and focus.

Moses, Don’t Look at Your Emails

While the proliferation of technology and the distraction that comes with it is fairly recent, the struggle with being fully present is not a new phenomenon.

The Torah describes how God invited Moses to come up on Mount Sinai: “Alei eili ha’harah veheyei sham, Ascend to Me to the mountain and be there” (Exodus 24:12). Commentators are bothered by the seemingly superfluous phrase in God’s invitation to Moses. After Moses is directed to ascend the mountain, it surely was unnecessary for him to also be directed “veheyei sham,” and “be there.” Obviously, once Moses ascends the mountain he will necessarily be there!

Rashi, in his usual style, explains that God wanted Moses to know that it wouldn’t be a quick visit, up the mountain and down the mountain.  Rather, he will “be there” for 40 days.

But perhaps the verse is also conveying the following lesson: God, as it were, summons Moses up the mountain. “Come Moses. I am the infinite, omnipotent and eternal Being. I seek to share with you the truth and mysteries of the universe.” Moses climbs the mountain as directed, and God then says “Moses, I recognize how many congregants, disciples and followers are emailing and texting you. I know how many responsibilities are demanding your immediate attention. However, when you are with Me, I expect you to disconnect entirely and actually be with Me.”

Veheyei sham, “be there,” means “be in the present.” Don’t be distracted, interrupted or unfocused. God is telling Moshe that He does not want to compete for attention, even for the most noble of distractions, such as caring for the Jewish people. “Put them aside when you are with Me, and be with Me.”

Technology introduces a constant and consistent diversion from living a life of being fully, spiritually present in whatever conversation, activity, event, praying or learning we are supposedly engaged in. We are there, but not fully there. This state of disconnection harms all of our relationships, whether it’s your spouse, your children, or your co-workers.

It is critical that we always retain the capacity to disconnect from technology at will. Only those who can disconnect at will truly own their technology, rather than being owned by it. We must not live a life devoid of mindfulness, consciousness, and presence.

Our family relationships require effort and focus. Often, couples try to spend quality time together, but in fact are only physically in close proximity while their minds are on whomever or whatever they are addressing on their devices. Families would do well to introduce an inviolate rule that electronic devices cannot be brought to the family dinner table. In so doing, both parents and children would be much more present. Similarly, relationships would surely benefit from a practice of leaving devices in the car, or placing devices in the middle of the table.

We can only climb the mountains of our lives to enjoy and appreciate the high moments within each day if we are prepared to be truly present.

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