Stop Criticizing and Focus Instead On What’s Going Right

Michael comes home late from work for the third time this week and his wife Sarah immediately says, “You’re always late and never think about how it affects me. Why can’t you be more considerate?” This criticism only leads to defensiveness and resentment rather than a positive change in behavior.

Don’t rely on criticism, fault-finding and negative consequences to motivate your spouse.

Research consistently shows that criticism is not very effective at modifying behavior; it often has a negative result and leads to a cycle of “incorrect” behavior and increasingly harsh criticism.

Instead of concentrating on what is going wrong, focus on what is going well and improve upon it. Based on Positive Psychology, positive reinforcement is a more powerful relationship tool than criticism and fault-finding. When you are celebrated for your actions and achievements, you’re motivated to keep doing more of that specific action and to improve on the other issues that could be hindering your relationship.

Instead of criticizing Michael for being late, Sarah could use positive reinforcement when he does arrive home on time: “I really appreciate you making it home for dinner tonight. It means a lot to me that we can eat together as a family, and I love how you made the effort to leave work at a reasonable hour.” This approach acknowledges his positive behavior, making him more likely to prioritize getting home on time in the future.

When things do go well in marriage, don’t treat them as just the status quo and not give them much attention. Take a quick moment to give positive reinforcement through sincere thanks or praise.

Here are some key ways of utilizing positive reinforcement to grow your marriage:

Be Specific

Providing verbal or written praise and recognition for actions well done can be a powerful form of positive reinforcement. For a gesture of love, give your partner specific information about what they did well. With direct positive feedback, your spouse can replicate it again. This can include thanking them for their efforts with personal notes, verbally acknowledging their achievements during conversations, or highlighting their contributions to friends and family.

Don’t Delay

Do not wait to give well-deserved praise. Reward your partner immediately after their thoughtful action, so that they are aware that you noted it and saw great value in their effort.

Give Encouragement Along the Way

Do not wait until the end of a shared project or difficult period to give praise to your spouse. Throughout life’s challenges, give positive reinforcement at crucial stages to sustain their motivation to reach the final stages of any endeavor with consistent enthusiasm.

Be Sincere

Be genuine in your gratitude and appreciation for your partner’s efforts. It goes a long way in motivating them, much further than brief, impersonal comments.

Utilize Meaningful Rewards and Gestures

Verbal encouragement may not be enough. Special date nights, thoughtful gifts, and other tokens of appreciation encourage your spouse to continue their great efforts and serve as a motivator to grow together. This can include planning surprise outings, offering a massage after a stressful day, or other forms of recognition.

There are many simple, effective ways to incorporate positive reinforcement into your marriage. Focusing your efforts and attention on what is going well instead of what is going wrong will bring more happiness and fulfillment to your relationship.

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