The Secret of Attraction

In an age when everything from wi-fi to coffee is instant, we assume that attraction should be, too. How many movies have you seen where a single glance across a crowded room turns up the heat between two people? Yes it’s possible for couples to be attracted to each other right away, but many other might-have-been couples never give it a shot because the instant tingle wasn’t there.

That’s a wasted opportunity. With a little more time and energy, they could cultivate the attraction they’re looking for.

Here’s the secret to attraction: you can generate it yourself. You just need the right ingredients.

First Ingredient: A New Perspective

Attraction is not just about looks. Even if you put two of the most gorgeous people on the planet together, if they have nothing else in common, the relationship will sputter out and die. Externals on their own have no staying power.

You need internal connection to feed the attraction. Obviously, if you’re disgusted by someone physically, they’re not for you; physical attraction and chemistry are musts in a healthy relationship. But if you just don’t feel an immediate spark, it doesn’t mean you never will.

Second Ingredient: Personality

So if looks aren’t grabbing you at first, you can focus on some of the other ingredients to attraction, like personality – or the qualities and character traits that make up a person. Unlike looks, personality doesn’t sag. In fact, compatibility between personalities is a good base for a match. If their personality attracts you now, it probably still will 50 years from now.

To cultivate attraction, focus on personality. Are they funny, interesting, kind? How do you feel when you’re with them? Do you enjoy their company? If the answer to these is yes, you’re headed in the right direction to increased attraction as you continue to date.

Third Ingredient: Values and Beliefs

That said, personality isn’t strong enough to power 100% of attraction. You need values and beliefs to line up, too.

What we value and believe informs the choices we make and how we live our lives. In other words, you can have two people with electric chemistry and a perfect personality match, but if their beliefs and values don’t align, it will be difficult for them to make a life together that satisfies them both.

I know a couple who were college sweethearts and mad about each other. Their personalities were in sync and their physical attraction was off the charts. But one of them couldn’t wait to have a child while the other had decided they wanted to remain childless. This was a very serious value clash that, in the end, made their relationship unsustainable. Although they adored each other, they decided to break up.

Take time to understand a person’s values and beliefs. Come up with a list of your own questions. Are they family-oriented? Do they take their Jewish identity seriously? Are they hard workers? See if their answers to your questions align with your values and beliefs. Then watch what it does to your heart rate.

Fourth Ingredient: Outside Support

A fundamental truth about attraction is that the support of the right people can kick it into high gear. People love to play matchmaker, especially for the ones they care about most. (Even as a professional dating coach with many years of experience, I firmly believe that everyone could and should be a matchmaker.) Often, these people see things in us that we might not be able to see for ourselves.

This is particularly true of family and friends who (for better or worse), know us better than anyone. So, assuming that your relationship with them is healthy and supportive, who better to give you feedback about the person you’re dating? If friends and family see the beauty in the person you’re dating, chances are better that you will, too.

Mix to Combine

While all of these ingredients are vital to sustainable attraction, none of them can do the job completely on their own. Make sure to include a combination of personality, values and beliefs, and outside support to get attraction going. The more alignment you see, the more compatible you’ll be. And compatibility is what attraction is all about.

May you find deep attraction and true compatibility in your partner or the one who is yet to come.

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